December 9, 2009

Men measure their success in different ways. Many have a decidedly materialistic component to the equation. Money, cars, homes, and material possessions were once part of my calculation. They simply aren't any more. Learning what was valuable to me took some time. It was predicated by loss, both temporary, and loss that is less so. My values shifted when I began to lose my connection to my children. As I look back I now realize that part of it was natural, a result of their own personal growth and development. That part I can accept. Having lost for a time both children to the influence of a lifestyle of drugs was deeply painful. One reason was the feeling that I had let them both down, that I was not a good enough father, a good enough parent. A fear that goes through to your core emanates from the sense of helplessness you feel in not being able to help your child find the right path. Still more pain comes from the realization that they way in which you spent your life; long hours working to achieve material success, may well have been a factor - and that material possessions could not fill the spiritual vacuum that came to exist - so that pursuit was all for nothing. So today, my bank balance is negative, the multiple houses, multiple Mercedes', and boats are a thing of the past - but none of that matters to me because my two children Danielle and Square have found their way, and despite all odds we remain a strong, close family.